


May tomorrow never come

by HaneGaNai (nezstorm)



Category: Bleach
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Break Up, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Implied Sexual Content, Infidelity, M/M, POV First Person, Prologue in, Suicide Attempt, This fic has three endings so you can pick your own, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-04-29
Packaged: 2018-10-25 10:51:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10762764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nezstorm/pseuds/HaneGaNai
Summary: Ichigo runs away from home to get away from his ex. He finds Renji and then himself.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Reposting old work.
> 
> Warning: The suicide attempt doesn't happen until the very end - in ending #3.

Hey, you remember, right? How we longed to hold hands but neither of us had the courage to bring it up or make the first move. How our fingers brushed every now and then as we walked side by side under the moonlight, passing the stars. The shy looks we sent in the direction of our hands. And how, finally, you gathered the courage and caught my hand in yours, holding it a little too tight, but I never said a word, just relishing in the warmth spreading from our entwined fingers.

You remember. The first kiss we shared. The rush. The need to feel everything possible. Our bumping noses and inexperienced tongues. Lips unsure what to do and how to dance. Shy, unmoving hands, still new to the art of touch. Still ignorant of the pleasure it brings. The string of saliva connecting our lips awkwardly when we parted for breath.

The first intake of air filling our lungs short after and leaving us high, on cloud nine. And those stupid grins we both wore. The light in your eyes. Oh, how sweet that moment had been.

Oh, and the first night we spent in the same bed. Awkwardly still. Unwilling to even look at each other. Embarrassment taking hold off our bodies. I had been the one who first broke the silence then. With a silent chuckle first soon erupting into a loud laughter shared by the both of us. And, after we finally calmed down, I found myself snuggled in your arms, head deposited in the crock of your neck, your nose nuzzling orange tresses affectionately. Never before had I slept so well.

You remember it as well as I do. Every time you betray me. Every time you crash my heart. Every time you sell my soul. Every time you touch someone else. Every moment you spend in someone else's warmth just before coming back to me and engulfing me with that someone's warmth still radiating from your body.

I know you remember. When you approach my convulsing form. Turned away from you as you enter the room. I hate you for all the times you made me cry. For every tear staining my cheeks. For how you embrace me from behind with your strong arms, nuzzling my neck with your nose, your white hair tickling my ear. Trying to calm me down with soft, loving-like kisses and nibbles. Leaving marks of possession even as I squirm and try to push you away. I can still smell someone's scent on you. You wear them like perfumes. The warmth seeping through my body isn't yours only.

But we both know that I'm too weak to break free. To push you away or to just run away from you. I'm engulfed in you completely. So miserably in love. So addicted it's maddening.

So painful.

Your fingers leave burn-marks everywhere they touch. Your distorted voice is like poison, like drugs. My sweet, sweet drugs.

Oh, kill me, please.

I hate the way you smirk at me, when I have no more strength left to squirm in your arms and I can only lean back against you, fading in your embrace. Your pale hands no longer holding me tight but roaming under my shirt. Black nails pinching my nipple and drawing out a moan I can no longer hold back. Your other hand wandering south, slipping into my pants and chuckling as my moans become even louder, my mind numb from the pleasure and no longer able to form coherent thoughts. I'm like a puppet in your hands, acting the way you want me to, reacting to your every touch. How I hate myself for letting you use me, for screaming out your name as stars explode before my eyes. For asking you to stay. For that faint spark of happiness, when you agree and let me fall asleep in your arms. And for hoping that I'll wake up with you by my side.

I hate myself for still keeping those past memories of you. I wonder if it's good for me to remember, if it's good that you remember - because I know you do. But if those are the only moments of your love I can have, if that time can be the only time, when you belong to me, so help me god – may yesterday replace tomorrow. May the future never come.


	2. Chapter 2

But the future came and everything changed.

At some point in time he found himself too weak to live with Hichigo's betrayals, incapable of being his fuck-me-anytime-you-want-toy any longer. One night, when his torturer went out to hunt for a new prey, he got out of bed, packed all his things quickly and ran away, not caring to leave behind any trace of where he went off to. He decided not to contact anybody for a while, neither his family nor friends, he even quit his job. He didn't plan it all that much. He just wanted to get as far away as possible, rent a cheap apartment, find a new job and start a new Hichigo-free life some place where he wouldn't be easily found.

He didn't look back as he shut the door to the apartment they shared and left the building. He didn't let himself doubt even for a second, that what he was doing just now was the right thing for him to do. It was high time to say "enough", that this couldn't go on any longer. He had been devastated enough. He must have been a masochist to let it last for so long, abusing himself with his albino lover. Now he could have a fresh start, a new life, he could release himself from Hichigo and, with the help of the gods, find some happiness.

He looked back only when he got off the train - being far away from home, from his troubles, leaving behind all his former life, his love, his pain, - and briefly wondered if  _ He _ would look for him, miss him. With a last glance he berated himself for such thoughts and set off to start his brand new life.

\--

It hadn't been all that difficult and Ichigo wondered why he hadn't put an end to it sooner.

His new life was pretty busy and tiring but he didn't regret a single thing. He didn't have much time for thinking as he was working as a waiter in a big restaurant now, still arranging his new apartment and absorbed by social-life he had never had the chance to experience, being in a toxic relationship and all. He was amazed how quickly he made friends and how fast he picked himself together and entered society again.

His previous life didn't give him much chance for that, since his boyfriend – at first sweet and loving – changed drastically and practically shut him away from the world. Well, to some extent it had been his own fault. He hadn't noticed it immediately and blindly followed Hichigo's orders. Like all those cases, when wives doesn't realize that being beaten by their husband is wrong until it's too late. You may say that he'd been just like them, only the abuse he experienced had been more mental than physical.

But that's all over now. He could finally appreciate something called freedom.

\--

Several months passed and no one came looking for him. He had a nice place to live, a good job, a few friends. He even sent his sisters a letter saying he's all right. (But being a bit paranoid he went to another town to send it, not wanting to give anybody a chance to find out where he was now.)

Everything went well. There were, of course, the occasional moments of weakness, when he missed the old Hichigo and thought of going back, but he always quickly shoved the thoughts away. He had loved him for a really long time, he probably still did, but it was over now, it was better this way. He assured himself that he would find someone better someday, that he deserved someone better.

Because he did, right?

\--

And so days passed, allowing Ichigo to heal his wounds a bit, but never really healing completely.

If he'd tell you that he missed Him, he'd lie to you. But at the same time, if he'd denied, that he missed him – that'd also be a lie. His feelings were a bit complicated or more like ambivalent. But there were two things he knew for sure.

One: No matter how painful it may become, no matter how many more problems even more difficult than the past may occur, not even if the albino came and begged swearing he'd change for him. No matter what, he would never go back. That was the one thing he promised himself.

And two: He still loved the bastard.

Damn, he felt pathetic. Maybe it's because  _ He _ had been his first love, his first real relationship, something he hoped would last forever. Well, if the feelings survived even the three years of torment, why would they disappear fast?

Or maybe, changing the question, would they ever fade? Would he ever be truly free?


	3. Chapter 3

"Hey, Strawberry. Give me the usual." Renji called and sat down in his spot in the corner beside the window. A nonchalant smile plastered on his face. He winked in Ichigo's direction well aware that the teen was about to kill him. How hard the Berry was working at the moment. There was this rule he had to obey. Something about the costumer always being right. Oh, the one that assured Renji's safety, at least while Ichigo was working. So the only answer the Redhead got were a scowl, a frigid glare and a sweet smile the teen had to wear together with his uniform. Placing Renji's order before him on the table, barely restraining himself from smashing it with the Redhead's face, in a silent and cold voice only for them to hear he said:

"Just you wait till my shift is over, bastard. I'll tear off your legs and shove them up your ass. I told you so many times not to call me that ever again. Especially when I'm working, Pineapple-head."

"Watch your words, Berry," he answered with a smile, rewarding himself silently for making the teen so furious and still being in one piece, "or I won't give you a tip," and then he was rewarded with a shriek as he pinched Ichigo's bum.

Renji would come to the restaurant every Friday and order the same set, greeting the teen and causing a scene. Something that started some time ago, when flame met flame for the first time and a fire erupted.

\--

"Are you ready to order, sir?" It was his first day at work and he was a bit scared. He was no coward and wasn't afraid of people, but feeling his boss's gaze on his back following his every move made him a bit nervous. Right now he received a customer from his co-worker and was waiting for him to place his order. A tall, redheaded man with his hair tied high on his head making him look like a fruit and with tattoos on his forehead was seated in the far-away corner of the restaurant looking through the window lost in thought. Ichigo's voice brought him back to reality. He looked him over carefully and then, when their eyes met, smirked before answering:

"I certainly am," a mischievous smile gracing his face. After that silence bestowed them for a short while making the teen nervous.

"Um... What would you like, sir?"

"Hmm. You, for instance."

"Excuse me?" the bemused look on Ichigo's face made the costumer laugh.

"That was just a joke. You looked so nervous I couldn't stop myself from teasing," the redhead raised his hands in a gesture of surrender seeing that the waiter's face was now red with anger. "No need to get so riled up."

"Tch."

"You're new here, eh?"

"Obviously," he took a look at the kitchen door glad that his boss was nowhere to be seen, because he'd probably hear a whole, hour-long tirade about slacking off.

"Ah, sarcastic. I'm Renji, a regular here," he said earning nothing but a scowl from the teen. "You know, I like that pouty face of yours. It's kinda cute," he was having too much fun playing with Ichigo _.  _ The teen would give almost everything for the chance of wiping that smile off of Renji's face."So what's your name?"

"Ichigo. Are you going to order or not?" he tried to stay calm, but couldn't quite manage. His face red, steam coming from his ears, blood boiling. He wondered how much pressure the pen in his hand could stand. "You're wasting my time."

"Easy there, Strawberry," now Ichigo's notepad was bent. "I'll have spaghetti."

"Sure. Anything else?"

"Yeah. Strawberry sundae."

"We don't serve--" and in that particular moment, as realization hit, Ichigo begged the gods for help, for it wouldn't do to get fired on his first day.

And thus, their friendship began.

\--

"I don't really understand your fixation with spaghetti," the teen said. He was now seated across from Renji at his table, his shift over. He saved killing the redhead for later - it wouldn't do to have so many witnesses.

"Honestly? Neither do I," he paused to slurp some annoyingly long pasta and ended with sauce all over his face, which earned him a laugh from Ichigo. "Oh my God. You can laugh. Hey, mister, you saw that? He can laugh" he called to a random passer-by.

"Oh, calm down, moron," he said embarrassed. "But seriously, have nobody taught you how to eat properly? You look like a three-year-old," he took a napkin and reached to wipe some sauce from Renji's cheek, caught himself and ended handing the napkin awkwardly to the redhead. Abarai looked at him for a moment, then shrugged it off and cleaned himself.

_ That was close _ the teen thought avoiding Renji's gaze.


	4. Chapter 4

Well, it seemed that he had a little bit of a crush for his friend. Nothing much, really. It was far from what he felt towards his ex-boyfri… ups, off with the thought. Lets just say, that it wasn't the real thing. Some sort of physical attraction only. Damn, Renji was one hell of a good-looking bastard, of course he'd be attracted to him. And they got on pretty well leaving aside the occasional quarrels and moments of speaking face-to-fist. But even those were never to serious and showed just how good friends they were making peace just as fast as they were jumping to each other's throats.

Moreover, the redhead was the only one who, among all the new people Ichigo came to know in his new life, knew about Hichigo. When the teen first told him he didn't dare look straight at his friend too scared of what he might see, but observed the visible change in the mood from the corner of his eye. As he finished he was startled by Renji jumping to his feet and, if not for the Strawberry catching him in time, nearly ran off to beat the shit out of the albino, wherever he was. He had never seen him so furious before and it made him feel warm inside. The fact that somebody would get so angry for his sake made him incredibly happy.

When Abarai calmed down a bit and looked at Ichigo holding him in the middle half-laying on the floor and panting (he almost got pulled out of his apartment, that bastard was stronger than him dammit), the teen suddenly found himself in a tight embrace, his face pressed against his friend's shoulder. He only realized after hearing the redhead murmur:

"It's over now. I'm here. I'll always stay by your side. It's okey to cry."

That indeed, for the first time since  _ That Day _ several months ago, when he left the albino – Ichigo was crying. Warm tears streamed down his face sinking into Renji's shirt. He cried and cried in his friend's arms unable to stop for what felt like hours, but the redhead never let him go.

And again, for the first time in a really long while, Ichigo felt that there's someone by his side.

\--

Sundays were the time when the both of them were off work and so it kind of became a tradition for them to spend that time together hanging out. It had always been Ichigo who would, being the morning person among the two, come and fetch Renji so they could go out somewhere. The lazy ass Renji, who never got up before well past noon even if he promised to. After three or more Sundays where Ichigo ended up banging at the door waiting for the Redhead to move and let him in just to go back to bed again all the time grumbling and cursing the Strawberry for waking him up, the teen received the spare key to make both of their lives a tad easier.

And so here he was, silently entering his friends bedroom, the door creaking softly, welcomed by the scent and sight so often bringing him to the brink of insanity. He drew closer, his footsteps absorbed by the carpet, careful not to reveal his presence and wake the Redhead up. He was so close. So close and yet…

He breathed in the fragrance he adored so much hungrily. The scent of a long awaited sunrise after an endless, dark night. Of summer rain soothingly cooling one's burning skin. Of a refreshing, spring breeze.

He fed his eyes with the sight of sun-kissed skin, soft red hair scattered all over the pillow, washing over his face. He looked so calm, so beautiful without that constant grin he wore when he was awake (not that he minded though). All that only made Ichigo's craving for his friend grow. Again and again. Uncontrollable. Insatiable. Forbidden.

He reached out and caressed the soft cheek, lifting a few stray strands that spoiled his view, his fingers wandered to finally touch Renji's lips. So gently. Betraying in that single moment the teen choked passion, how much those lips were dear to him, how much he wanted them, longed for them. He couldn't move further, he wasn't allowed to take another step. For the sake of the both of them.

Or maybe only for his own sake.

No matter how close the two of them were the whole mess with Hichigo made him unable to completely trust people, to believe in love, feelings. He was scared. Scared that if Abarai knew about his feelings he might push him away, abandon him. And even if there was a slight chance of him feeling the same way about the teen, they may end up as he and the albino did.

To destroy everything they had, the bond that now carried the weight of his existence – that's what it would mean.

Renji was so precious to him. He helped him, supported him and stayed by his side even after what Ichigo told him about his past. He felt as if he didn't deserve to have friend as him. So pure, so full of life, so bright. He'd only defile him with his darkness, with the poison still lingering in him.

Only a moment more. A moment with him. He'd do a lot to be able to share a second of his life as something more. Ichigo was still far from calling what he felt towards the Redhead 'love'. He knew the taste of that feeling pretty well with all its good and bad aspects. But still, he liked his friend a little bit too much.

"Friend" – he reminded himself and with great difficulty tore away from him. He went back to the usual look on his face, to the dimness he got everybody around him used to.

Ichigo moved back to the door, shut them loudly and stomping hard on the carpet approach Renji's bed, shaking the Pineapple to wake him up. The man just brushed him of asking for five more minutes using a voice that made Kurosaki want to throw himself at his friend. But he only shook him harder and pulled the pillow from under his head earning a growl.

Sometimes he wished that his touch would wake Renji up. That he'd look at him with those sleepy, half-lidded eyes. With that delectable smile. And he'd pull him in, into his warm, light-donned world.


	5. Chapter 5

After Renji finally got up, growling and mumbling something about damn Strawberries and assholes, took a shower leaving the bathroom in only a shower providing Ichigo with a sight that almost made him die due to blood loss, they decided to go out and grab some lunch (or breakfast in the Pineapple's case), watch a movie and then head for a few drinks at nearby bar. You know, the usual stuff.

As they left the Redhead's apartment laughing and fighting over what movie they should watch today, none of them noticed a lone albino figure hiding in the shadow of an alley they were passing, watching them carefully with a frown.

\--

For some time everything went according to their routine, with Fridays in Ichigo's restaurant and Sundays out somewhere. But then a Sunday had come when the teen's self-control snapped. All this time he had been desperately trying to overcome his feelings and somehow managed to hide them from his friend rather successfully. But a bit longer and he might suffocate. His head was about to burst whenever Renji got too close, said something ambiguous, or - like that time a few weeks ago – came out of the shower with only a towel wrapped around his hips, droplets of water wandering down his abdomen and vanishing under the rim of the towel making Ichigo even more miserable. Renji knew he was gay but still felt so safe in his company, that the teen wondered if his friend was that dumb and careless or simply just that mean and liked teasing him that much.

That day, like every other Sunday, Ichigo opened the door to his friend's apartment using his spare key, took his shoes off and silently padded over to Renji's bedroom. He took a deep breath and opened the door softly only to stifle a gasp at the sight that graced his eyes. There on the bed lay the Redhead sleeping soundly with his chest bare, the covers pulled down barely covering what should be covered. He watched in delight the sinewy muscles screaming for him to touch them, run his fingers down Renji's abdomen.

Something inside the teen snapped and he obeyed the silent request coming closer to the bed and lightly pressed his fingertips to Abarai's stomach, barely even touching him, wandering up and down slowly savoring the feeling. Then he pulled his hand back abruptly as the Redhead stirred in his sleep at the ticklish sensation.

After a still moment Kurosaki leaned down, hovering above his friend -  _ Friend dammit, pull yourself together before he wakes up! _ , but it was too late for berating himself now – feeling his steady breath wash over his face. Their noses almost touching, they were so close that he actually could count his eyelashes. He held his breath and planted a soft, butterfly-like kiss on Renji's lips and as fast as lightning found himself back at the door. His lips tingled, the warmth from them spreading to his heart. He touched them and closed his eyes in delight. Gods, he was acting like a school-girl. But oh how much he had been waiting for that.

Opening his eyes he saw that Renji hadn't even moved a bit. Feeling brave, and desperate for more, he stroke again. And again. And again until he couldn't stop himself anymore and, before he knew it, he was kissing the Redhead fully. A movement from below caught his attention and brought him back to his senses. He looked down nervously and saw the other looking at him carefully.

Terrified by what he had done he turned away from his friend and got up from the bed. He tried to get out of the room but a tanned hand shot out and grabbed his wrist holding him in place. Soft, warm eyes observed him and Ichigo wondered if Renji could also hear how loud and fast his heart was beating. It was over. Over. He ruined everything. He had to do something and fix it.  _ Think moron, think! _

"Um..."  _ what to do, what to do? _ He looked at Abarai nervously and saw him smiling softly.

"You know, I wouldn't mind if you always used a kiss to wake me up."

\--

"So, what took you so long?" Renji smiled seeing that the teen couldn't comprehend what was going on at the moment.

"You... you knew?" Ichigo flushed.

"Of course I knew. You think I'm blind or something? We've been friends for a while now, so I noticed when you started acting a bit strange in my company." The teen hid his face in his hands embarrassed, that he'd been discovered and scared of what might happen now. "Well, actually... Rukia told me." The Strawberry's head shot up. Now it was Renji's turn to blush. "Once, when the three of us were hanging out, she saw you looking at me with that look in your eyes, and you know that girls have a sixth sense for those kinds of things, and that gave you out. She told me when I asked her what was wrong with you, that you had a thing for me."

"Oh."

"Look. I'd never leave you because of that. I promised to always be there for you. I care for you. I know that you lived through hell and it's still difficult for you. You need somebody to hold on to and I'm willing to be that somebody," he looked Ichigo in the eyes and held the teen's face with his hands, when he tried to turn away. "What I'm trying to say is that I like you too. Not in a your-the-only-one-for-me-I-can't-live-without-you-way. It's nothing that noble, it's not love. I just want to be there for you. To be even closer than I am now. I want you to be happy, to release you from the past, to be the one that makes you happy. Even if it won't last. Well, you know what I mean."

"I'm also not in love with you. It's not that kind of feeling. It's just... just a really strong "like", you know. But still, I'm scared."

"I know," he pulled Ichigo in his arms. "So what do you say, eh? Should we give it a try?"

"Okay," hearing that Renji leaned closer, bringing the teen's face close to his. But when he was about to kiss him Ichigo stopped him by placing fingers on his lips. He smirked at Abarai's bewildered expression obviously feeling at ease now. - You know, a make-out session first thing in the morning is a great idea, but before that go and brush you teeth, Pineapple.


	6. Chapter 6

Well, they didn't have a beginning like in all those romance novels and such. Nothing of the like. No spectacular and dramatic confessions, breathtaking moments. But honestly - who cared? As long as it happened, as long as it lasted and made both of them happy nothing else really mattered. So what if they weren't all lovey-dovey and mushy, but took great pleasure in annoying the hell out of each other and fighting just to forget what it had been all about after a few minutes? They fit together well. And even if there was this dark shadow of Ichigo's past hovering grudgingly above them, they would manage. They would manage because each day, that shadow became weaker. They only thing they really needed were time.

\--

Their first kiss?

Abarai insisted, that the one they shared when he had been asleep didn't count. The pout he gave the teen after Ichigo refused to kiss him before he brushed his teeth had been the cutest thing he ever did in Kurosaki's opinion. So after the Strawberry stopped laughing and wiped the tears from the corners of his eyes and the Redhead, still grumbling, left the bathroom, they stood facing each other for a while, neither of them moving, both wearing a stupid grin and a bit embarrassed. Then, Renji moved forward, pulled Ichigo close, and pressed their lips together. The teen answered wrapping his arms around his neck. Touching, savoring the softness, the taste – a sweet beginning really. But a few seconds later, tongues in motion, they were caught in a passionate, steamy kiss pressed against each other so close, that there was no place for air left between them. When it came to an end and their breaths leveled out, hearts still beating like mad, Ichigo gave a shy smile, so beautiful in Renji's eyes, and the Redhead answered with the same.

And then, they just went on with their routine.

\--

Soon only Fridays and Sundays were not sufficient enough for them. Renji dropped by every now and then at the restaurant even if only to just say "hi", steal a kiss or grope the teen's ass and annoy him a little. And Ichigo often went over to stay at his boyfriend's apartment to spend more time together.

Well, that sound pretty thrilling, right? Spending the night, together in one room, one bed. But that's just as far as it went – sleeping together. Not that they didn't want to go further.

It was still too soon. Too soon for Ichigo. It was still about his past, about trusting people. He wasn't such a woman to refuse having sex because they weren't in love. No. But having experienced what he had, he had the right to be awkward about it, right? He knew that that was unfair – Renji didn't harm him in any way and didn't intend to. But in the beginning, neither did Hichigo. At first he too had been sweet and caring. Soon enough though, he changed. Everything changed. And Ichigo still didn't know why. Had it been his fault? Would it happen again? Would Renji also change? What then? He couldn't stand the thought. He wouldn't be able to trust someone ever again if that happened.

But Abarai understood and never said a word just holding him close throughout the night, letting him become accustomed to his warmth, his smell, his touch.

And so far, you could say, everything went well.

\--

"Stop looking so smug, you damn Strawberry." A hit over the spiky, orange head, a snicker from the abused one. "How was I supposed to know that that was a dude?! All I saw when I bumped into him were silky, black hair and a pretty face. I didn't have time to check if he had boobs, before I apologized." Ichigo laughed at the memory.

"His expression when you said "I'm sorry ma'am. Are you alright?" was priceless. Gods, I thought he'd kill you with that ice-cold glare."

"Again, he was too beautiful to be a man. Anybody would make a mistake."

"Oh, so you liked him, huh? Want to go back and ask him out?" He smirked, received a scowl and then a tanned arm wrapped itself around his shoulders bringing him close.

"Nah. I've already got my own pretty-face." A punch from the teen made him chuckle and lean down to place a swift kiss on the red cheek. "I don't need anybody or anything else."

And then, their sweet moment was disturbed.

\--

"Could you refrain from touching my boyfriend?"

Ichigo froze in mid-step making the Redhead stop with him and almost stumble. He didn't really have to turn around to know who shattered their peace. There was no way in hell he'd ever forget that distorted voice and its owner. But even though he knew, they both turned around to confirm that indeed, the voice belonged to Hichigo.

What Renji needed was just one glance at the guy to know, who he was - albinos aren't that common, you know - and before his Strawberry could react and even try to stop him he stormed off to where Hichigo was standing and punched him hard in the gut. Ichigo's torturer fell and curled into a ball on the sidewalk surprised by the hit looking up at the Redhead, his black-gold eyes wide.

"You don't even have the right to call yourself his ex-boyfriend, you fucking bastard!" He seethed through gritted teeth, fists clenched tightly and ready to deliver another blow. But before he could, the teen caught his wrist lightly, his eyes hidden behind his bangs and said in a silent, but steady voice.

"Let's go, Renji. He's not worth it."

And they left, hand in hand, both looking back only once - Abarai with eyes promising death, if the albino came near them again. And Ichigo... Ichigo gave him the most painful and devastated expression Hichigo had ever seen.


	7. The Hichigo/Ichigo ending

They got back to Renji's apartment without sharing a single word. Abarai let them in and went to the living room throwing himself on the couch. But Ichigo stayed in the hallway. He hadn't even taken off his shoes; he just stood where the Redhead had left him looking blankly at the floor. After a few minutes of waiting for the teen, Renji poked his head from the living room to check up on his boyfriend.

"What's wrong?" He asked with a sigh moving towards the teen. No answer came. He gathered Ichigo in his arms and held him close, but the boy was  _ motionless _ in his embrace. They stayed like that for a while waiting for Kurosaki to say something.

"I'm sorry." He uttered just a bit louder than a whisper. He placed his palms on Renji's chest and pushed himself away a little to look in his eyes.

"What for? It's not your fault he came here. I wonder how he managed to find you though. We'll have to look it up later."

"No, it's not that." He lowered his head as if unable to stand Abarai's piercing gaze.

"Then what?" The teen flinched at the tone, but didn't break the embrace as those painful words left his lips. He didn't mean to say it like that, but he felt a bit worried and the way Ichigo acted didn't help a bit to calm him down.

"I'm still in love with him."

Renji let him go at those words, but didn't move away. He briefly wondered if his eyes looked as sad as Ichigo's did. He took a deep breath to keep his voice steady and calm.

"Well, it's not as if we exchanged love confessions or promised to stay together till death do us part or something. Besides, I've been aware that you're still not over him."

"Are you angry?" Ichigo was the one who initiated the embrace this time.

"No. Not at you at least. But a bit hurt - yes."

"I'm sorry." He hid his face in the crook of Renji's neck.

"Ah damn." He patted the orange tresses. "There's not much you can do about it, right? So don't worry."

"But... what now?"

"Well, do you want to be his again?"

"No," came the instant reply. Abarai smiled at that.

"Do you want to stay mine then?"

"Yeah."

"Then I don't see a problem." And he leaned down to kiss the teen tenderly comforting them both.

\--

But no matter how hard Ichigo tried, the realization of his feelings unsettled him. He focused on hiding that from the Redhead, but the look he gave him sometimes made him wonder if his acting skills even existed. He tried to spend more time with Renji – he practically lived at his apartment now – and be together as much as possible. None of them had seen the albino in almost a week and that calmed him down a little, but he still wondered how Hichigo had found out where he was.

Hoping his ex wouldn't try anything funny anymore, the teen focused on his relationship with Renji. He thought that, maybe, if they became closer, if they passed his barriers… Maybe then everything would be alright again.

So he tried.

They lay in bed together, Ichigo's head deposited on Renji's chest, his hand tracing lazy patterns on tanned skin. He sighed as Abarai's skillful fingers stroke through orange tresses, massaging his scalp. Deciding that is was high time he changed his status from boyfriend to lover, Kurosaki pushed himself off of the Redhead, swung his leg at the other side of Renji's body to straddle him and leaned down to nip at his bottom lip, his hands stroking his boyfriend's sides. The Redhead gasped in a mix of shock and pleasure at the sudden change of mood. Never the one to deny Ichigo a kiss, he put his hands on the teen's back and neck, pressed him flush against himself and caught his lips to show him just how much he adored the boy. The feeling of skin against skin, both bodies now hot and slick with sweat as their kisses changed from soft and lingering to passionate and harsh, rushed as their tongues mingled in a furious dance. As they parted for breath and Ichigo moved lower to lap at his soon-to-be lover's throat with his teeth and tongue, Renji moaned realizing just where this was going. He rolled them over and hovered above the teen, barely stopping himself from taking him then and there at the sight of his flushed face, tasseled hair and lustful eyes.

"Are you sure about this, Ichigo?" He panted in the teen's ear making the figure below him shudder.

"Not really," he replied honestly, his hands coming up to frame Renji's face and bring him to look him in the eyes. "But I think that we need this. That I need this." Unable to maintain his self-control any longer Abarai dove to catch those bruised lips with a barely audible:

"Damn."

And they drowned in each other.

\--

Much to Ichigo's disappointment, it didn't help. Sex didn't make them closer to each other, quite the opposite – it pushed them apart. Right now, the only one aware of that was the teen, but soon enough Renji would also notice. At least that's what Ichigo thought.

It's not that the morning after had been awkward, no. It must have been too soon for him. Still too soon. He cursed himself and his recklessness. And Hichigo, beacues if he hadn't appeared nothing would happen and he wouldn't rush things. Something deep down inside of him broke and, unfortunately for the both of them, it weren't his barriers. They grew stronger and thicker. What broke was apparently his self-confidence. He came to believe that he had been the one who pushed Hichigo to change, to hurt him and soon Renji would be the same.

It was painful now – looking at his lover, being with him. His presence ripped Ichigo's heart in half. He didn't avoid him or didn't cut down on the time they spent together. He couldn't. Because then Renji would surely notice and question him about it. And he wasn't sure if the explanation he'd give would keep them together. So instead, he chose to hide his feelings as long as he could, so they'd stay together just a while longer.

He knew he was unfair towards the Redhead. Maybe he hurt him the same way Hichigo hurt him in the past. Deceiving him, lying. And still, Renji had been so good to him. He never said a word, never complained about anything, never asked. He was there whenever he needed him.

Ichigo wondered how long he would manage to keep the truth from Renji.

\--

It appeared, that there was more to Renji than Ichigo thought. He quickly noticed that the teen wasn't his usual grumpy self and made him spill everything. And yet again, he proved to be the most wonderful and understanding person Ichigo had come to know in his life so far.

They broke up and went back to being friends, even though Abarai insisted that he was okay with everything and would wait for the teen to put himself together again. Ichigo knew that it'd awkward for some time, but was happy with the outcome. Or so he liked to think.

\--

It looked like the albino had a sixth sense for appearing when they were together.

They decided to go see a movie like they used to before and just as they left Renji's apartment there he was, standing in the middle of the sidewalk, looking at and seeing only Ichigo. Renji and the teen exchanged looks and a while later Hichigo had an opportunity to explain himself to a silent but calm boy sitting on a bench beside him.

"So you found yourself a boyfriend, eh? I must admit, you've got great taste."

"Why are you here?" Ichigo interrupted the rambling. He wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. Hichigo's ever-present grin left his face in favor to a serious expression.

"And why are you here?"

"What sort of answer is that?!" He felt anger rise in him at those words, he couldn't help it. "I left because I couldn't stand you playing with me anymore."

"Yeah. About that... I'm really sorry Ichi."

"Sorry? And you think that's enough? That a simple "I'm sorry" would make all the things you've done to me nonexistent?! Stop messing with me." He took a deep breath to calm himself down a bit and stop the anger from erasing all the things he wanted to say. "Tell me, what have I done to you? Have I somewhat hurt you? Was that supposed to be my punishment for something? Is there even a reason why I had to suffer? Or maybe you just liked to have me all devastated and depressed? Was it a fetish of yours?  _ Explain _ , because no matter how long I though about it I could never understand why. I loved you, gave myself to you and yet you threw everything we had away. Gods, how fucking stupid I must have been to let you treat me like that."

"No. You're not stupid. And I know that apologizing is not enough, but it's a good start right? " He paused for a second looking at the teen earnestly."Look, Ichi. It has never been your fault. I just... I think I wasn't ready for something that serious and before I knew it I started playing around. Before you showed up, no one ever noticed me, and then suddenly everybody wanted a piece of me. I felt overwhelmed and confused. The first time I spent the night with someone else and you found out... even though you yelled at me and said that you'd never forgive me you did and we were together again. And then the second time and the third, it was the same - you'd be furious, but despite that you stayed with me. That made me wonder if you really loved me or just were there for... I don't know... for sex maybe. And before I knew it, I doubted you so much that I stopped caring if I cheated on you or not. Because I knew that you'd always be there. But then, you vanished without a word. I thought that you finally gave up on the thought of monopolizing me or found someone better. So I didn't look for you. A while later I met your sisters, they asked me about you, if you'd come and visit them from time to time, because they missed you. That made me realize that you hadn't simply left me, you ran away cutting all ties with everyone I knew from your surroundings. You ran, not because you found someone else, but because you couldn't stand the way I treated you anymore. Because I hurt you. Because I never realized, how much you love me. I know words won't make up for what I did, but the only thing I can think of to make it up to you even just a bit is saying "I'm sorry". I really am."

"You're practically saying that all those years of torment were my fault."

"No, that's not what I meant. It's that I just never realized that the reason you forgave me was you loved me so much."

"And all this time you took me for granted."

"Yeah." He answered silently, his head lowered. But it was all too much for Ichigo.

"You've let me leave you once. Do you think that you can so simply let me go back to you? "No. I--"

"Leave." He had had it. He couldn't stand it anymore. He couldn't hold his tears any longer.

"But.."

"Leave me alone."

"Ichi--"

"LEAVE." And Hichigo, with nothing else left to do, left him there on the bench.

\--

Hichigo walked away slowly, his eyes hidden behind his bangs – so unlike him. He turned back to look at Ichigo one last time and saw something that shattered his heart to pieces.

There on the bench sat the teen trembling, one hand covering his face, using the other to hold himself in comfort. Even from the distance he could tell that tears were streaming down his cheeks. But what shocked him the most was the streak of blood coming from his lower lip. He had pierced it with his teeth to stop himself from calling after the albino. How grave his pain must had been, if he – having the chance to be with the man he once loved – refused to even try to find happiness. How much it must have hurt him to see Hichigo again and tell him "no".

It took the albino a minute or two to comprehend what he saw and three seconds to once again find himself at Ichigo's side. He kneeled before him and took him in his arms. So fragile his body felt. So thin and weak, so breakable. Especially now, when his body was overtaken with spasms.

"I'll ruin your jacket." Ichigo said, hands clenched in the aforementioned article of clothing.

"It doesn't matter." He answered, kissing the top of the orange head, the teens face buried in his chest as he cried.

"I hate you."

"I know, Ichi." His hand drew circles on Ichigo's back trying to calm him down, his other hand stroking his hair. "I know."

\--

Ichigo wondered if giving him a second chance was a good idea. He didn't know if he should believe everything Hichigo said even if his heart wanted to believe. Even so, the most difficult thing to do was forgiving the albino bastard. But he couldn't hide the fact, that he felt relieved now, knowing that he wasn't the one at fault.

So maybe, just maybe, if Hichigo's words meant anything, he would be allowed to be happy now, to love. And be loved.


	8. The Renji/Ichigo ending

Silence. A furious silence. An empty silence. A hand holding the other a bit too tight. A hand loose in the other's hold. Loud, angry steps towards home. Steps almost impossible to hear. And when they finally reached the Redhead's apartment, Renji gathered him in his arms with a sigh, making the void between them nonexistent. Ichigo thought of crying his eyes out, but no tears came and his cheeks stayed dry as he let his boyfriend calm down, holding him tight in his arms. The teen wondered which one of them needed the embrace more. He himself didn't feel anything special.

Sorrow?

Yes.

A bit of pain?

Well, duh.

Anger?

Not really, no.

Sure, the look he gave the albino, when they were leaving hadn't been completely deprived of emotions. Hell, it overflowed with everything he ever felt. But that must have worn out everything he had to say, or feel. And that emotional emptiness made him incredibly happy. So  _ damn _ happy. Because, maybe, he was finally over the albino. Maybe his suffering came to an end. Maybe he could be completely free now, without looking back at what happened in the past. He could move on. He was allowed to find freedom and happiness. Freedom and happiness with Renji.

Overwhelmed by that thought he burst into laughter startling Abarai. The Redhead let the teen go and looked at him confused.

"Ichigo?" he asked, worried. But the man in question didn't answer immediately. Instead, he smiled and leaned in close, kissing his boyfriend tenderly.

"I'm okay," he said as if he still couldn't quite believe it himself. But then his smile widened. "I really am." and seeing how bright the teen's eyes shone, how true his smile was, Abarai also smiled and they shared another sweet kiss, free of the weight of Ichigo's past.

\--

But it looked like peace couldn't be so easily obtained.

Ichigo was at work, for once serving dishes with a real smile plastered on his face. Last night had been, well… wonderful. He had finally let go of all the barriers that held them back and before they knew kisses tasting of freedom changed into those dripping with want and need leading them to the bedroom as clothes came off leisurely thrown to the sides. They took their time savoring each other, letting their hands wander and learn about all the curves and shapes, touching and enjoying the feeling of bare skin against bare skin, the softness, the warmth, the taste. And the morning after had been just as sweet. He woke as sun finally decided to bother their peace shining through the curtains and falling on his face. His breath was a bit shallower than normal due to a certain weight draped across his chest, but he didn't mind at all. He watched Renji's sleeping form for a while, playing with some loose strands of red hair amazed by how soft and silky it was. All too soon his lover stirred snuggling closer to Ichigo's warm body as he came back to the world of living. He lifted his head to look at the teen, his eyes half-lidded and a smile gracing his handsome face.

"Hey there," he purred.

"Hey." Kurosaki smiled at him framing his face with his hands and bringing him up for a kiss. But before he could feel those sweet lips on his a long finger was placed on his bottom lip stopping him in his tracks. He opened his eyes to see Renji smirking.

"Not before you brush your teeth." Ichigo grinned at the memory - he got a taste of his own medicine.

His shift finished, the teen changed and sat at Renji's table waiting for his boyfriend. Eating at a place where you work might not be the most romantic idea for a date, but it worked for those two. Feeling a bit tired he put his arms on the table and laid his head on them deciding to let his eyes rest for a bit. He smiled a few minutes later, eyes still closed, as an arm sneaked itself behind his back to pull him closer to a warm body. But his smile faltered as it started to roam and found its way under his shirt. Something was off. As soon as he opened his eyes he nearly fell off of his chair at the sight of Hichigo smirking at him.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?!" He seethed at the albino deciding that yelling would bring too much attention to their table. "Get your filthy hands away from me." He grabbed at the hand still under his shirt and pulled it out wanting nothing more than to tear it off.

"That's how you greet your boyfriend? Not very nice, Ichi." Hichigo's smirk only grew.

"Was yesterday not enough for you? 'Cos I'll gladly kick your fucking ass, if you want it that much.

"So mean. And here I came to give you another chance." He placed his arm behind Ichigo's back leaning in close to whisper in his ear. "Don't tell me you didn't miss me at all, Ichi, because I sure missed the way you'd moan my name as I played with your--" his sentence was suddenly cut short as a tanned hand grabbed his arm and pulled him off of his chair down on the floor and all the way to the door to throw him out of the restaurant.

"The hell?! What do you think you're doing, asshole?!" The albino yelled sprawled on the sidewalk.

"Are you deaf or just stupid? Didn't you get the message yesterday? Fuck off and leave Ichigo alone!" Renji yelled back staring daggers at the white form before him. He turned around abruptly as a hand was placed on his shoulder, Kurosaki joining them outside the restaurant just as angry as his boyfriend.

"I'll handle this," the teen said standing before Hichigo, who has already gathered himself from the ground. "I don't know how you found me here and I don't give a damn, but get the fuck lost, bastard. I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore. You've ruined my life, while I never did you any harm. I don't know what your problem is, but I hope that someday you'll find somebody that'll hurt you just as much as you hurt me." He spit with venom. Hichigo blinked at him surprised, how the teen changed.

"That's how you thank me for all the years I took care of you? I even wanted to forgive you for running away. If that's what you want it's fine by me." He spoke turning away from them ready to go, but he looked back once more unwilling to let the kid have the last word. "But I doubt he can give you a better fuck." What he didn't expect was a fist punching him hard in the face and splitting his lip. He was left alone before the restaurant shocked that his little plaything dared to hit him, as Ichigo and Renji made their way home their plans for the evening forgotten.

"Are you ok?" the Redhead asked as they were in his living-room, Ichigo sitting on the couch in an angry silence and Renji bandaging his bruised hand. He teen sighed as he ran a hand through his hair.

"Yeah. I'm just so furious he dared to show up here and act all high and mighty."

"Makes me wonder how you managed to fall in love with him." Renji grinned trying to ease the atmosphere a little, but the scowl on Ichigo's face might prove he said the wrong thing. To his surprise however, the scowl vanished as a chuckle escaped the teen's lips.

"Yeah, me to," he smiled. "But I hope that he's the only wrong choice I made." He looked at his lover with a more serious expression. Understanding dawned and Renji took the teen in his arms with a wide smile.

"I love you too."


	9. The other ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suicide attempt in this one.

An uncomfortable silence bestowed upon them as they walked towards Renji's apartment. The Redhead held his hand a bit too tight for comfort, but the only thing that bothered Kurosaki was the heat emanating from Abarai's body burning his hand as if in rejection. The Pineapple looked at Ichigo every few seconds to see how he was doing and his heart sank as the teen looked at him with sad eyes, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"What's wrong?" He asked, but Ichigo only shook his head. Renji stopped and pulled the teen in an embrace, but the kid pushed him away.

"I'm sorry, Ren, but I want to go back to my own apartment." He said, his head bowed to hide his eyes behind his bangs - he couldn't stand the look in Renji's eyes.

"Okay. Let's go then."

"Alone."

"Oh. I understand. See ya, then," he leaned down to plant a kiss on Ichigo's lips, but the teen turned his head and the kiss landed on his cheek.

"Yeah. See you, Ren." And the kid walked away leaving Abarai alone with his thoughts.

As soon as Ichigo closed the door he landed on the floor in a heap of limbs, his body shaking as he cried doing his best to keep his voice down, to keep the scream ripping him on the inside from coming out. He had tried to act tough in front of Hichigo, but the truth was that he was barely able to stand the weight of the feelings that came crushing down at him at the sight of the albino. As if all the months spent away from him never existed, as if he never ran away. As if he and Renji never happened.

He really cared for the Redhead. He did, but he couldn't get rid of the thought, that maybe he used Renji to forget about his ex. That all the time they spent together was a lie. That he had been deceiving the both of them. Damn. He was just like Hichigo. Just like him. He recalled the look on his boyfriend's face, when he told him - not so kindly - that he needed some time for himself. What a bastard he was to cause those beautiful eyes to be so sad.

Suddenly the guilt he felt, the sorrow and self-hatred became unbearable. He picked himself up and using the wall to walk, because his legs felt so weak they might have given up under his weight, he wandered into the bathroom. He opened the cabinet and after a few seconds of searching picked some pills.

As he lay on the cold tiles and his eye-lids became too heavy to keep his eyes open, he felt at ease, his mind completely blank. For the first time in a while he was able to crack a real smile without a trace of sorrow, even if it tasted bittersweet.

He woke up to a white ceiling and the well-known stench of hospital. There, by his bed, in a white chair sat Hichigo, his face hidden in his hands. On the other side of his bed a certain Redhead paced back and forth in the small room. Renji was the first to notice that he had woken up and in a flash he was at his side.

"You're finally awake," he said in relief. Ichigo wanted to answer somehow, but his voice wouldn't come out. Seeing that, Renji picked up a glass of water from the nightstand and helped the teen.

"Thanks. How long was I asleep?" Abarai looked at him suddenly angry.

"You've been out for two days. I'm so glad that I decided to follow you. What were you thinking, you idiot?! Why didn't you ask for help?" Soon enough his eyes softened and he leaned down to hug Ichigo's chest. "Don't you dare do that to me again, bastard. I don't know what I'd do, if I lost you. I love you too damn much." The teen said nothing as he ran his fingers through red strands.

"I'm so sorry," came a silent voice. Ichigo looked at the albino's sad form sitting uncomfortably in the chair. "I never wanted to push you that far. I never wanted any of this to happen. It's entirely my fault. I only realized how important you were to me, when I lost you. I'm such a fucking asshole. I know that no words can make you forgive me, - hell, I don't deserve to be forgiven - but I'm so sorry, Ichi. So sorry." He picked himself up from the chair and looked at the two. "That's all I wanted you to know, Ichi. I won't impose on you anymore. Bye." And with that he turned to walk away, when a weak voice stopped him.

"Stay." He looked first at the albino, then at Renji and started. 

"I'm sorry I made you worry, Ren," he said as Renji let him go and pushed himself up from his chest. "You're very important to me and I love you too. No one else helped me so much, as you did. It's been a long time since I've been so happy. But, I think all this time I've been using you to get rid of the awful memories, to forget about Hichigo. That's why I think it's over for us. I don't want to deceive you anymore, don't want to hurt you anymore than I already did. Forgive me, please." 

He then turned towards Hichigo, who stood at the foot of the bed uncertain why he was still here. "As for you Hichigo, I loved you for such a long time that you still have an important place in my heart, even thought I suffered so long because of you. However, I'm not sure, if I'll be ever able to forgive you for what you did to me, or forgive myself for allowing it all to happen. The fact that I'm here in the hospital is all my fault. I'm just too weak. So pathetic."

"You're not pathetic." The Redhead and the albino said in unison interrupting the teen.

"Tell me, Ichigo," Renji took over the talk. "Have you ever, through all the time we've been together, only acted as if you were happy?" 

Ichigo shook his head. 

"In that case it doesn't really matter, if you used me or not. When we decided to start a relationship I told you that I want to be there for you, to help you forget, so all in all I wanted to be used." The teen smiled at him, a bit relieved. Then a cold hand caught his and a kiss was planted on the inside of his palm, before the albino placed it on his wet cheek holding it close _. _

"I love you," Hichigo murmured.

Ichigo looked at the men before him, deciding that despite all, he was lucky to be loved by them both. He caught them and pulled them into a hug smiling. "We're a bunch of fools."

Some time later Ichigo went back to working at the restaurant, happy with the space the men gave him. Neither of them disappeared from his life, but they took a few steps back giving him time to decide if and with which one of them he wanted to be. And even if Ichigo felt a bit of pressure and couldn't be completely happy, from time to time he let himself smile a real smile at the sight of Renji and Hichigo, who played such a big role in his life. Who loved him so much, even if he would never be able to choose between them.


End file.
